I knew I had thoughts earlier. I had a watershed moment today. OK, a couple of watershed moments…
I find that I am chicken to ask for help unless I am desperate. My mother asked if she could come. I have not asked her. I have no idea why not. I wanted her here. But it seemed silly. I can do the basics. Alas, the laundry is piled up in a pack n play and unfolded. Paco has no underwear in his drawer. It is clean, yes, but in the pack n play. I am so glad she is coming tomorrow. I want my mom close by.
I also realized something in my soul. (This part is sappy, please forgive me.) I was taking the trash out tonight (Steve was working late). In the ten minutes, while I loaded up the recycling stuff and put out the trash, I saw about 8 people walking dogs or out for an evening walk. I was so envious. The boys were already asleep. Then I dreamed (as I pulled out the trash can) that in five years, we could leave the boys sleeping alone in the house and walk around the block in the summer evenings and be alone for a few precious moments. I realized I wanted to hold my husband’s hand in five years.
I have not had a huge fear of death. I believe (as I have said before) in a heavenly world, of sorts. I had been so practical of the idea of death. Letting go of Steve and he at younger age to build a different life.
I was following DABDA (http://dying.about.com/od/glossary/g/DABDA.htm), wasn’t I? I must have been in the bargaining phase. I would imagine passing away earlier. Seeing my dad, letting Steve move on to a new life, hopefully a new partner (while he was still young). I was being too practical about him starting a new life. Today, today, is the first day I got territorial. Today is the first day I realized that while I don’t have a true fear of the heavens; I love that man to whom I am with. I love being the mother of the two boys (a piece of me and a piece of Steve). And I want to walk around the block with him in five years. I want to nag about grammar. I hugely want to take the boys to Ireland and Argentina every other year. I want to show them what they have. My mother showed me my cousins in Ireland and England. Paco talks of his 4th cousins all the time. I look forward to the day I get to introduce Lemon his cousins in Cork Co. Suddenly, what I get to do in the future…makes me meaner (in a positive way).
I am sure I will be complaining. But today, I kept wondering why I was so happy. I love my husband. My older kid looked out for me all day. A pharmacist friend let me know I was not overdoing anything. And Lemon loves his preschool. Paco loves his science camp. Our house is messy, but really, who cares. My mom is coming tomorrow (I miss her). And today, I got to tell the story of our wedding to someone. (Sorry, ego-excused, it was a very fun wedding.)
Again, I am not suicidal. But for the last 23 months I have admired my cousin so much. He was in so much pain for so long and seemed to have hung in there with ALS for so long. Finally, I see it. He is giving me a Budweiser and telling me to enjoy what I have. Don’t get me wrong, there will be days of ickiness. But today, today, I truly enjoy what I have. Oooo I hear Paco waking up to come and snuggle. Tomorrow, I will be tired. And I will pick at my head. But tomorrow night, I get to hear Steve snore. And that snoring is mine.