Monthly Archives: May 2011

Up and Down of Life

When I think about the last 8 years of life, I get confused. I had received a lay-off package from EDS to stay in the Bay Area, Paco came and I made friends through a yoga mommies group. One of the women turned me on to Susy Dorn’s classes:

I was really just killing time until I could work on beebee number 2, and in the mean time, I met more hispanic friends, started to attend a Catholic church which I was ok with, I started to pull out of my life of training Paco. He started in school right and I started to learn Spanish. The passion of Spanish stayed with me, strongly.

Argentina Spanish. As my word-i-ness grew and we became good friends with the awesome families from Rosario and Corrientes and of course, BA. These 6 women, specifically, seemed to push me on the plan and off to immerse. Marilú, Beatriz, Julieta, Carolina and Perla. For me, the taught worldliness, the ability to overcome, the ability to blend and always rise above, the ability to be faithful, and the talent to be what it is. I am not shy, I speak mild Argentine Spanish which is a go, and the extrovert’s nature has paid off.

In between the time (year 2005-008), the miscarriages and shots of infertility emotions (to make another baby) took most of my soul,  or I should say let the idea of loss govern my dream. I also had wonderful work-contracts with 2 of my outlaws that helped my brain stay en focus.

Steve’s dream has never been the same, but he did know mine. To have children, live overseas for a time, and be number 19  in a cousin of 20.

I had held pushing on getting the 2nd baby, because when Steve worked at eBay, he did not love his job. Things were not worked out the way they were meant to be. When he was laid off (I swear, he is relieved to this day), he had enough new business that he was able to hold. Thanks to $15,000 per year, we have kept our Kaiser Insurance alive. He has a job (that he enjoys a great deal) now that has decent benefits. Alas, no Kaiser. But with my situation, there is no value (to us) in moving insurance around. When I hit 40.5 years, I am eligible for National Sr. Advantage with Kaiser. Whew. I cost Kaiser so much in the last 2 years that I think our COBRA payments are less than 10% than the true cost to Kaiser.

Steve loves Kaiser, California, and my huge family.. I speak Spanish, have a step-dad and a father-in-law and a mother-in-law where I learned about the wider world.

We celebrated (hah!) our marriage May of 2001. Steve and I have broadened our horizons together. Despite down days up, he says I am stuck.

I am sure this post is not too sensical, but it is more based on what would I have changed over the last decade or so.

When I started to write this, I was in tears. I was so frustrated and worn out that I wanted to crawl into bed, no , no, rather I wanted to jump on an international flight, somewhere (that is always in my head). Please understand, I don’t think I am dying today, but the redo surgery does seem to make a bucket list more important to me than once was. [As I said before, this page is therapy.]

Today. What I married is therapy.


I just got out of bed

In-laws rock!


I have a headache. I had a good day. It was weird. Lemon headed to his nursery school today. I took him and walked home, walked to the market and I was…free. It was so weird. In over 2 years no appointment scheduled today, and Lemon at a regular nursery school he loves. It was a strange, strange feeling.

Paco was exhausted and there was true temper issue. I held myself (as did the grandparents) for some time. No screaming from our end. But oh my. Being on the steroids and keeping my temper was incredibly intense. But holy cow. He was hungry. He had not eaten well all day. Then, upon finally calming, he ate 3 full bell peppers. And some chicken.

I had in my head a wonderful piece about the way words are used. But seriously, I am proud of myself today as to what words I did not use. Now, can I get the stress out?

Who Knew Writing Here Would Help the Rage Steroids Can Exhibit?

I have a lot of thank yous to express. The fridge is full and the general positivity being sent out way is extraordinary. I am physically achy and worn out. But all in all, I can only be grateful.

In a way, the people I am closest to wisely stayed away. I was not bombarded with visits and for this I am indebited. Years ago, when my cousin died, I was trying to go by as his end was getting close and I was very gently declined. I understand now (I respected it then). I was not fearing death in this stay. But I was appreciating the peace. All the parents of small kids knew the positive side of being in the hospital in a single room was no cooking for others, nor laundry, nor dishes. In some ways, we all have to find peace every day. Every day we have to remind ourselves why we feel scared, crappy, sad, frustrated. I do that. I do. I often write it here, or start to do so and figure out  my issue by the end of the page.

The comments on the blog are simply incredible. Unless one is in a world of television and getting quoted in the news; I think too many of us don’t comprehend the power of our voice.

I had learned last time (July 2009) the negative effect that steroids have on me. I get rude, aggressive, a lot of eye rolling. I warned my mother-in-law and apologized in advance. Thank goodness. Today, when I came home, Paco freaked out as to the stitches. I was sad. He wants to be near me and yet just cannot handle the (to him) gross sewn section of my head. I was surprisingly affected. And I screamed at Steve for not being harder on Lemon and where Lemon sat at the table. Steve always has a hard time keeping any tough rules. He sees the immediate, I see the constant struggle fight with Lemon about something. Seriously, after Steve has dealt with all this, I get mad at him about rules? OK, yes, this an ongoing issue. But in the big picture? I so need to shut up. I am happily married. He still wants me. He still loves me. (Shan, I so owe you for that introduction over a decade ago).

What I am astounded by are those whom I know who have taken on much more than kids and or cancer. People who were born into horrible worlds. Don’t get me wrong, we all have to complain and express disappointment, but wow. So any time I have a bad day (now, huge headache), I have to remember what I am honored to have. My list is huge. I got to see my own mom, the best beau-père ever and my fantastic in-laws today. I get along well with my in-laws.  I got to see my two boys and the love of my life. I have cancer, and I feel like all these warm people are keeping it at bay with incredible kindness.

The fridge is full and my in-laws think we live in a magical place.

I can see that.

Home at last


I am out.

And quite supported. Mom and Clark collected me this afternoon. Don’t get me wrong, my head hurts. But right now, I am good. Our parents, family and friends, they make me believe in the kindness of everything.

Steve just recommend that I soak in a warm bath and relax. He held back the magical words of the powerful stink of the odor I carry.

That is true love.

Newly Cleaned

huir – Huyo de esas situaciones.

I find this ironic

Things we can always use

My godmother made this hat for me July of 2009. I was happy to put it on when I became cold this evening.