Monthly Archives: January 2011

Does Pain = Fatigue?

I have had small levels of pain the past couple of weeks. The foot cast was causing strain on everything else. So my foot felt better and all my other joints felt worse.

This past weekend (thanks to Steve) I slept more than nine hours a day. And I woke up this morning still exhausted. I put Lemon in the car this morning and yawned my way to the gym for Yoga. Then I just turned around and drove back home. Lemon was yawning too (and he yawned first in some cases). I gave him a snack and we both went to sleep. I heard him about 40 minutes later. I jumped up and rushed into the shower. By the time I got out of the shower, Lemon had fallen back asleep.

I tried to do chores and kept getting frustrated. It felt like an Avastin Day. Aches and pain and fatigue. It was so hard to keep my eyes open. Lemon helped. But…ugh.

It was such a beautiful day, and I actually let Lemon out of the stroller after meeting up with Paco at school. We got home and they played while I was half-asleep on the sofa. I just felt so…grumpy. I felt old. I was so tired.

I took a couple of ibuprofen and 30 minutes later, I was up and functional. And happy. Lemon threw a fork at my head. And Paco shook his head. But I was functional.

I have not been popping pain pills except at night to take care of the shin splints. But I have also not been this chronically tired in a long time. I want to exercise, but then I don’t, because I am tired. I am tired, and to help that, I need to exercise. A Catch-22.

This will sound…insane. There are many elements of Brain Cancer that make life easier than other typed of cancer. Anyone in remission of any kind must be on watch for symptoms of any kind. For me the paranoid signs are easier. I wonder, if I were exhausted and in remission from breast cancer, would I assume that the growth had returned? The aches and pains of joints must silently wear us all out.

In the meantime, today, I’ll take some ibuprofen and go to sleep.

Lemon el Diabillo

Lemon is trying to yank out steve’s shirt in order to zerbet him.

No big post. It is 10 and I want sleep.

It’s a Beautiful Day (Opening U2 Song)

OK, A foggy and misty day.  Not a bad day. Steve let me sleep for a huge amount of time. I got up at 9:30, then back to bed from 11 to 12:30. Ahhhhhhh. I was so tired. So…So tired. I still am, but for different reasons.

Our sitter, DB came over for a few hours and took the boys to the park. Steve took on the garage, despite the fog. I took on some part of the garage, and then headed out for a long walk. It was a wonderful walk on my own. The fog turned into light rain that did not soak. I talked to Shan some of the time and just enjoyed my walk in seemingly bad weather. Upon my return, Paco was helping Steve in the garage and DB had Lemon. Then Lemon saw me. I had to let DB go early. I heard “Mama! Mama! Mama!!!!” I was going to head into the shower…but the sound I could not resist. He just wanted me in the room. The non-snuggler kept coming over, for kisses, then left to go back to what he was doing. We all have our ways to express affection.

The walk had been a good experience. Afterward, my right foot needed the cast, but I could walk without intense pain. This is a good thing. The whole idea was to avoid the cortisone shot, which at times takes pain away, but also can make one damage the tendon more. I was advised to walk as little as possible, but it is one of the few things that I do that I can do for hours with Lemon in a stroller. But today, I was alone and free. Free! So worth throwing on the cast as soon as I got back.

Steve had a honey-do list. And he completed the most important item. He moved the bike trailer to the bike that was easier to ride so I would conquer my fear. My fear is to take Lemon out for a ride. My foot would love, it, my psyche less so.

Oh, for the record: Lemon called his abuelita three times. The chatter was quite entertaining.

Too Sleepy

I am so tired. So very tired. I put on the TV and sleep. Lemon gave me extra love. Paco was sick and home. And he was well-behaved. I get to sleep now. Shhhh

To Push Things Away…



BCG is in a lower circle of Dante. So much chemo (the worst she has ever had) and on so many drugs. I find I am not reaching to her much. One, I am not that strong in this department. I am fine ok talking about death, but she is going through so much and I am unsure what is assuring and what is not. She will tell me when she needs me. I trust that.


Two, I am seeing Glioma girls next weekend and I am overjoyed to have a place to complain and joke and be in a world where all seems to be understood. BCG does not have what I have. There is no one who shares a similar history.  I had a huge headache. And I emailed Bea. And she responded. Do you get these? Oh yea, and we chatted. The drugs have affected us all differently. No wonder it is so unknown.


Today was a challenging parenting day. So many stand-offs (with Lemon) exhaust me. When Paco was so little, we had trips planned and I had more time to myself. Lemon is soooo charming and most don’t see his wily nature. Tomorrow, I have to pull anything he can push to the baby gate and use to climb. Today, he built his steps to reach up to the Christmas cards and check them out. Sure, cute face, but devilish agenda.

Thankfully, I have friends at school and by phone that I can speak with and say “he is driving me crazy” or “I am so tired.” I used to have adrenalin. Those days are gone. I need so much sleep. Then it would seem anyone around 40 is in the same situation.


I was complaining to myself and then I was dumbfounded. How the heck did my mom do this? And her mom? My aunts? So incredible.

Reminds Me of My Youth

A Rare Photo

Wow. Inner Strength


Poor Sad, Strong BCG.

She has gone through so much. Countless chemo treatments. Being the main provider for her household, she juggles feeling horrible with working and mothering and…ballet.


She is a tall strong woman who could lift the chubby me. I often thinking of trying to follow in her footsteps, beginning ballet. But I am not there.


Steve went in late to work this morning so I could have 20 precious minutes to get everything ready and get to gym. I dropped off Lemon at the day care and joined a yoga class at the gym. My first class in 6 years. And for a precious hour, I felt strong. Even all the times I had to stop and pull something in, I felt experienced and balanced. I left, holding Lemon’s hand and all day I had more energy.


I am wearing the leg brace. Steve is home. I made dinner. I am happy.


Core strength. Wow. It helps the soul as well.

Dude, Please Take Care of My Car!


Steve has been on a car pilgrimage for the last few days. His plane just landed, so I can relax more. I was all irritated, not with his trip (annual) but with issues while he was gone. When he left, the disposal was stuck and neither of us could un-stick it. I was slowly and dutifully able to unstick it (apparently, orange pulp is bad). I had good help here and there for the boys, so my sanity was in tact. But then yesterday, ugh the Mazda would not start. The Mercedes does not have car seats in it. DB was here to help with the boys, but then she had to leave for an evening job. While she was still here, Paco and I cleaned out the mommobile and took out the seats. Then we drove the mercedes to rite aid to have ice cream together (no Lemon!!!) and then walked to get a gallon of gas, just in case. I could not get it in the car neatly back at home. I smelled like gas all evening. The Mazda AAA equivalent came to jump start the car. He was successful though the check engine light was still lit. So I left dinner on the table (mostly eaten) and had to take the car to the gas station (it did not have enough needed) and drive the car around (with the boys) for 45 minutes to recharge the battery. It was good weather and as long as Mambo Italiano was playing, Lemon did not scream. Paco asked me questions about why gasoline was called gas when it is not a gas (Babs, I almost drove to Oakland to answer the question). He also asked why I was not wearing my cast. I was so frustrated with my evening, I was mean to Paco. I apologized, as did he for breaking into tears when we went through the Starbucks drive through. He did not know McDonalds was an option. I had said, “any drive through where I don’t have to turn off the engine.” He did not take me seriously.


We landed back home and the car restarted. I had bought oil for the car and once I put it in this morning, the check engine light went off.


I told Judy this morning that Steve had broken his wedding vow that he would always take care of the car. I have been so po’ed and then I realized, this is his first big trip in a long, long time. He left me alone because he could. He could return to his collector car world, briefly, for a few days and not worry about me. Don’t get me wrong, he still needs to take my car in and get the Mazda recall done and the oil changed. But at least now I understand. He carries a huge amount of responsibility. He deserved a break from me and the boys. If only for a few precious days.


Man sometimes, I really dislike the value of perspective.


Paco Watches Batman

oh no, not with Keaton, Kilmer, Clooney, or Bale. I found the 1966 full length movie with Adam West. Thankfully, he knows he is not permitted to watch modern versions. He complimented much about the find.