I had typed an e-mail. Alas my memory ability is in the slow speed.
But Steve let me sleep today. He is so tired.
Tour de Force: a French expression meaning an exceptional creative achievement, a particularly adroit manoeuvre, or a difficult feat
I had typed an e-mail. Alas my memory ability is in the slow speed.
But Steve let me sleep today. He is so tired.
First I have to start with the positive, I had a lot of help mentally and therapeutic help. Not a small thing to help someone when they look like poop. I actually did not call a couple people because I thought I could handle me and the kids while Steve was up to a huge thing at work. My mom, she stepped in. She did not even know what I was trying to balance. She just arrives at the occasion; to she what she could do. That, to me, is the a huge gift. She is not an emotional person. And so she does what she can do. You may hear me speak a lot about her. You have to understand, her family, her siblings, it all adds up. It shows me; it reminds me the challenging life she had with my dad. She had to balance so much.
So I am in a weird movement of bodily…zone stuff. I wish I had the resources to go take Spanish immersion lessons in Argentina (as I did 4 years ago). I have trouble remembering nouns in any language I lose any name or word in Spanish. The big issues I can remember for timing, but in the whole world of writing,…have cost a lot of valued abilities of value. It is not affecting me with no bad effect. Just a general level of confusion.
My mom, if I know her well, would not be crying. But I wonder if she is not a bit frustated with how the path of her youngest child. She would never say it, but watching her playing with Tommy today was incredible. He loves her with a level of respect and loving that I don’t remember seeing between Tommy and anyone. He cried as we left. To me, a calm mom who takes care of a loud toddler is a huge gift.
On the bright side, I am not heating due to the weather, but I get my arms several tmes a day, swelling full of chill. Alas, I have to conquer this one!
Nothing exciting to share. Just glad to be alive. And I love Kaiser. Is that repetitive?
Yes, yes, I have an upset stomach. I have vodka next to me that will have to go into the freezer. Alas, some traditions have to be put aside.
So setting that aside….my mom came home today from a huge bridge tournament. She and Clark met with two of mom’s siblings. They were hot but 10 days of bridge was glorious for them. My mom turned 77 today. She is amazing. Just amazing.
I am grateful that she is back. I am just in and out of it. Today is the first day that I have not slept three hours along the day. (I had two 30-minute power naps today). I think having a good afternoon of running around with Paco simply helped. He was out of soccer at 11:30 and we went for his favorite. I noticed I did not get too freaked out with each shiver.
This evening, a great babysitter tried out for a couple of hours. The boys loved her. I know the woman that babysat her years ago, and uses the girl now. This is a special person who can deal with my crazy world.
So my mom is rightfully worried. But I am trying to remind myself that the noun loss and the physical side effects I have are relatively minor. I have aged. My mom seems like 77 going on 50. So I have a good role model to follow.
Oh, side note…I must have done something with the settings on the blog. So I’ll slowly try to work it around. Between naps =)
With her, one always has to show a lot of stress. She has seen a lot of the world and simply learned to understand what is grand, vs. what is harder. This one she nailed it. She send me a small email and I could tell that she knew. And just like that she made me feel stronger. Just like that.
The things that I am dealing with seem to be minor in the big picture. To find the small amount of independent cancerous cells is actually worth celebrating. But for the last two weeks, I have been overly freaked about the regular signs of (OK, I cannot think of the word, but it is what happens to most woman when they get too older-ly to carry a baby). Any one who knows me, know I am a nut for words. This place, this blog is a true test of how I am doing. Not the writing, but rather the words that I would have put in a blog. It just shows that the latest surgery, as fantastic as it was…had a side effect.
So here is what I am happy about. My husband. Man, I found the right man. Secondly, my kids, that I can drop at a numerous neighbors and families for any reason is a small issue (ugh, Aunt Pat, watch out on that one). I am so lucky.
The sad part is that my mom knows we too well. She can tell by what I write or the anything, she knows. For her it is normal concern. For me, it is a gift. She checks here every night. Even if she deals with the theme or the intimacy, she tries to fix a grammar error or something. To me, there is no better soul. I know I could have asked her to show up for anything. This issue right now is just a mental phase. She was worried. For every slightly thing I wrote, she wrote me a delicate curious email. She is a gentle searcher.
So I have been frustated with the side effects. Bea is outside the country or else I would have met here half way between, talking about what she has already gone through. But that is the amazing thing. This summer is hard. Those (except my awesome sister-in-law) who I am closest to all seem to be traveling. And this is nothing. Serious, this is an issue of handing two, no three issues. One, Paco is sick of me. Two, playing with post surgery drugs to help me deal with the side effects of my age balancing a surgery,. And three, Steve is in the happiest drive of his life. He rushed home to be with me and help with the kids and then turns around and works in his best job he has ever enjoyed.
So here we go…yes there is debt due to Steve agreeing with me to stay on post his old job Kaiser (A long story)…but really, really. I cannot complain too much. I simply cannot.
I’ll work on it for tomorrow though =)
PS: Mom, I love you and am happy to drive you around tomorrow, Nice to do something for you for a change.
For last last two weeks (or so) my body has gone wild. Eat, get nauseous, must sleep over 12 hours a day, in general, not seeming…ok.
My beloved Dr. Oncologist insisted I come in today. It turns out the messages I had sent him were not me, he could tell something was going wrong. It turns out, that while my side effects of whatever are here, it is not too familiar. He thought they sucked, but he was looking more at my mind and ability to walk a line, etc.
I am getting a lot of hot flashes, but not like I did. Now, they are longer, but less pounding. The weird part is I get long cold flashes in the evenings. The air conditioing was on this afternoon, the boys had taken off their shirts. Steve had asked me if I was cold. I was wearing a polar fleece. It have a regular temp, but I kept falling asleep at the table and was wearing fleece, in 80 degree weather.
I have to watch it and figure out ways to cope with this stuff. It was arrogant and compared by experience with the drugs I was on during the three taker classes. But really, this is easier. My challenge is that it is summer, so while Lemon is in his school now, I am alone for about 2 hours. Better than it was, but not really enough to sleep. I have to go back to sleep right now. I slept from 8-10, then I’ll do from 11 to the morning. Then maybe, just maybe a small nap will hold me together.
Sigh. This is not even that bad, but I love the kids and I love naps. It just seems wrong to have to choose the naps over spending time with a son.
I think I have to say goodbye to coffee. At least for a few days. I woke up on Lemon duty and was a fighter. This is not uncommon. But Steve needed sleep and I closed doors, etc. (Now, prepare for the icky zone:) I pooped twice (fast due to keeping Lemon quiet). Then one hour later, as we were two houses away, I pooped. I could not hold it nor could I do much. I was grateful to be 2 houses away.
I had told Lemon no Diego this morning, Well, that policy changed. I had to wake Steve up, give him the warning, then solely depoop myself in the bathroom. The underwear was tossed, and so were the shoes, but I rinsed and washed (several times over) those things I knew I enjoyed wearing. I cleaned up the entire bathroom, which had poop everywhere and wiped all the major pieces off my waist. Then I showered for a long time.
The clothing was washed a lot and my family is good. I think there is a good lesson of humiliation here. I had to cancel having someone over for dinner and I took a lot of anti-diarrhea pills today. And I did freak out a bit. But after the shower and seeing Steve most of the day, I felt at ease. I was just looking for the battle of non-pooping in the bathroom, and I realized the volume of pills I have in my purse. They are in there. But it was because last year I took ant-diarrhea drugs 4 times a day. Eight in total, on a regular day. As I type this I think, wow. I had totally blocked all that out of my brain.
So I ate a bit tonight and the hot flashes were here and I am shivering. But who knows what, in my brain, has been shoved around again. But every day, I am so grateful for my husband. He is…Mine.
I cannot remember names as fast, nor as well. I was going to send a note to a bunch of Glioma families and I could not look up the correct addresses. At least verbs are still here. It seems pre-cancer stuff I am ok with. Ginny, Janet, Anne. I think I could name all my cousins. But anything newer disappears. just disappears…
Some days I am so grumpy. I was today. Under the antibiotic crunks I am sleeping 12-14 hours a day. I am so not myself. There was just fear and discomfort this week. Seriously, because I had a minor infection. It was a urinary tract one but the antibiotics put me in a challenging zone.
Then I started to think a lot about my breast cancer bud and the misery she has faced in the two years I have known her. And I makes me appreciate what I have. She is the main money winner. I have Steve earning. And he never doubts why we are staying (at about ($1300.00 a month) within Kaiser…because in the bigger picture, it is easier for us.
Since I have been on the medication I have not been so normal. And Steve’s load is heavy as his team moved and people who report to him are miles, states away. He loves it, but then rushes home to take care of the boys and give me a break.
I guess the key is to look at the bigger picture. I wonder what my breast cancer bud is thinking about right now. Her daughter is 13.
In general, while I feel physically challenged, I feel fortunate. Not just what I had before, but the two girls who I talk to via email at least every other day. This summer, as the kids have taken over our time, I don’t know about Toby and Bea, but for me, I miss them very much. My memory is so bad at the moment and I know them, they would just laugh.
Sigh. I am so lucky. Shannon saw me yesterday and today and was simply there. She took Paco away to get the break from his crazy mother overnight. I could forget her name and she would laugh.
So I guess we can always look at a situation where we lose and skill or a plan and find it sunny or weirdly ironic. I am quite lucky. I’ll just stick to sunny.
But I am having a weird cold or odd reaction to an drug I am taking for an infection. It is so weird. The last few nights i have been shivering. I am ok by day, but then the snots hit. Not bad and I would have guessed it is just a easy cold. But right now, I am shivering. I am in bed with a hat on my head and a sweatshirt. It is 76 degrees inside the house. It is 81 outside. I am shivering.
Isn’t that weird? I don’t have a feverish body temperature, I just have the chills. Again.