Monthly Archives: June 2011

I Must Sleep

I find I am getting older more rapidly than I would have guesed. I have friends who are in their 50s and their kids are the same age. They both work full time as well. I was speaking with a friend today wondering how it is done so well by people.

I had a good day, all in all. I am tired. But that would be true at this stage no matter what the surgery would have been. Yesterday, I had a great walk with a new friend and it did help. Today, I got on the Nordic Trak for five minutes. Yes, just five minutes. I must look at it as better late than never.

Alas, I need to sleep. I was not productive today. I kept falling asleep. So at this point, maybe I can beat my body to its needs. Steve is out with Paco at baseball practice. It is a good night. From what I understood, the boys (some times there is a girl) hang out playing, and the men stand around and chat. (The practice ended almost an hour ago. It is a mile away).

But my eyes will not stay open. So for now…I must go to sleep.

Maybe If I Promise The Page

I won’t eat these twice to five times a week. They are too close to home…

Today Is Mud Day

Got to love Lemon’s preschool.

Positive List

I meant to note individually all day. Alas, I was not that organized.

I was excited that my hair looked like I had lost some…but no, it was just long enough to flatten out a tiny bit.

The rain was beneficial today. Our trash can smells and I could leave it out side. Being outside in light rain always boosts me.

Babs folded a ton of laundry. We collected Lemon at school and Lemon took a hour before he followed her.

Number 2 day of Paco behaving well.

I need to do dishes.

I had the chance to chat with both Bea and Toby tonight. We get to be so open with each other. It would be a regular support group, but nope, we were set up by a few connections. We are lucky.

 

Watch Out For The Happy Zone

I am in a happy zone today. So I am going to post my inspirations all day. So tune out if you think I am getting crazy or seem insipid. I like to document the good as well as the bad. That is the glorious life of cancer. I admire, more and more, those who have gone before me and juggle so much.

First thing, it is cool and slightly rainy here. I love it. LOVE IT. I love central valley weather. And when it green and seems like the Pacific Northwest, I think, ahh, I have an awesome cousin in Portland and one in Seattle. And I think of all the fantastic places I can go and have a cousin to hold my hand. I lived in Vancouver BC for an academic year, that year, there were record snow falls.

And The Kids Went to Sleep.

I knew I had thoughts earlier. I had a watershed moment today. OK, a couple of watershed moments…

I find that I am chicken to ask for help unless I am desperate. My mother asked if she could come. I have not asked her. I have no idea why not. I wanted her here. But it seemed silly. I can do the basics. Alas, the laundry is piled up in a pack n play and unfolded. Paco has no underwear in his drawer. It is clean, yes, but in the pack n play. I am so glad she is coming tomorrow. I want my mom close by.

I also realized something in my soul. (This part is sappy, please forgive me.) I was taking the trash out tonight (Steve was working late). In the ten minutes, while I loaded up the recycling stuff and put out the trash, I saw about 8 people walking dogs or out for an evening walk. I was so envious. The boys were already asleep. Then I dreamed (as I pulled out the trash can) that in five years, we could leave the boys sleeping alone in the house and walk around the block in the summer evenings and be alone for a few precious moments. I realized I wanted to hold my husband’s hand in five years.

I have not had a huge fear of death. I believe (as I have said before) in a heavenly world, of sorts. I had been so practical of the idea of death. Letting go of Steve and he at younger age to build a different life.

I was following DABDA (http://dying.about.com/od/glossary/g/DABDA.htm), wasn’t I? I must have been in the bargaining phase. I would imagine passing away earlier. Seeing my dad, letting Steve move on to a new life, hopefully a new partner (while he was still young). I was being too practical about him starting a new life. Today, today, is the first day I got territorial. Today is the first day I realized that while I don’t have a true fear of the heavens; I love that man to whom I am with. I love being the mother of the two boys (a piece of me and a piece of Steve). And I want to walk around the block with him in five years. I want to nag about grammar. I hugely want to take the boys to Ireland and Argentina every other year. I want to show them what they have. My mother showed me my cousins in Ireland and England. Paco talks of his 4th cousins all the time. I look forward to the day I get to introduce Lemon his cousins in Cork Co. Suddenly, what I get to do in the future…makes me meaner (in a positive way).

I am sure I will be complaining. But today, I kept wondering why I was so happy. I love my husband. My older kid looked out for me all day. A pharmacist friend let me know I was not overdoing anything. And Lemon loves his preschool. Paco loves his science camp. Our house is messy, but really, who cares. My mom is coming tomorrow (I miss her). And today, I got to tell the story of our wedding to someone. (Sorry, ego-excused, it was a very fun wedding.)

Again, I am not suicidal. But for the last 23 months I have admired my cousin so much. He was in so much pain for so long and seemed to have hung in there with ALS for so long. Finally, I see it. He is giving me a Budweiser and telling me to enjoy what I have. Don’t get me wrong, there will be days of ickiness. But today, today, I truly enjoy what I have. Oooo I hear Paco waking up to come and snuggle. Tomorrow, I will be tired. And I will pick at my head. But tomorrow night, I get to hear Steve snore. And that snoring is mine.

Nothing Original (at the Moment).

I had a good day. No huge reporting…nope. Just the usual chores. And no tantrums from Paco. That, in itself, is amazing.

I had brilliance for the blog in my head earlier today, but I am tired now.

Yesterday…

These boys got me in the pool!

Sometimes, it is hard not to pick

After the Swim...

I Started The Day In A Bad Place

How does my kid know where to play his cards?

First, having Paco on my list makes me go up and down. I get so frustrated. He is taking after me in the interrupting people. I remember at his age, my grandmother getting so frustrated. (By the way, my goal in the next few weeks is to re-read my postings and work to not repeat, if I get repetitive, feel free to comment me. My memory is not as powerful as it once was). Anyway, my grandmother hated it when I interrupted. 33 years later, I see why. He also is quiet when he speaks, but loud when he moves. Steve. Lemon is just loud. Me.

We headed to a new friend’s house (for all three of us) this AM. Steve had to work today; so I appreciated the time filler. It was so odd to explain my story to someone new. Fortunately, she is easy-going and strong.

Our afternoon visitor had a spider bite, so Paco asked if (after naptime for me and Lemon) we could go to the pool. I found I was so nervous. I have not taken the kids anywhere adventurous on my own since the surgery. I paid for the summer city pools pass when I went with Shan and Cindy. At least I knew Lemon was not a complete aggressive one in the pool. I was actually quite scared. With lifeguards and all. Steve was not there. Paco led the way, thank goodness. We laid out our stuff and then Lemon tried to follow him into the pool. Lemon thankfully had a bit of fear. For 10 minutes, I was just hanging in the shallow end waiting for Lemon to conquer his own fear. And then I ran into two wonderful families (and a third set of kids) that knew me well. I cannot tell you what it means to know there are people who know your story, know you well enough to tell when you are off, simply know you. Throughout the following 2.5 hours, I just felt stronger and stronger. And man, Lemon is meant to be a swimmer. He can let the water swish in his mouth and swish out like a true swimmer.

The frustration was Paco wanting to protect Lemon and coming between us. Lemon likes space. Paco likes to help. Paco’s efforts to give guardian affection was not particularly welcome. I was frustrated at first. Telling Paco to stop coming between me and his brother. But then we all sat out for some snacks and everyone got along better. I think Paco was also partly worried about me. I think he could see my nerves. At the end of the day, I had to thank him. He is the reason we chose Davis. It is through him I had the two families put me at ease. He has helped me make incredible friends.

We got home after six. The kids ate green beans and chicken taquitos. And we are all happily tired. I had some odd feelings about 9 PM. But then I sent a text to Bea and she had dealt with similar feelings. It is a physical sensation that my head is sending my body shivers. I am wondering if, for now, it is simply my body’s way of saying, “sit down.”

So right now, I feel remarkably protected by my community. And I feel gently pushed by my son to go back to my old world. And the little one, well, he just wanted me close by while he discovered his own skill set. Then he asked to go to the crib (“cuna” in Spanish, is the word he uses) and snuggled me for one three-minute song before he leaned into the cuna.

At the end of the day, things were accomplished. Oh, and the water improved what is left of the owie scab mark on my head. Photos to follow…

Just Like That

We have a good conversation. The two of us are so different. The kids reflect that better than anyone could. We started off with a squabble and finished with a “I love you, even when we do not click.”

I find I am in a mean phase that is not effectual. We have choices of when to take the high road. I asked Steve to take it with me for the next 6 weeks. After that, I’ll take my turn. August is usually his busiest time of the year. In fact, it is the most challenging time of being superdad, car obsessor/expert and working his tush off. That is why we have usually gone to Argentine in our fall. It is spring there.

 

I love him so and Steve was saying that we are balancing so much. He takes jokes better than I and I take things too seriously in general. He also is afraid to cplain about me to his parents…he said they like me too much. I said “they also know me too well.” It occurs to me he could complain to my mom and get nod after nod after nod. Our parents, all parents have seen us at our worst.

 

 

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