Uh Oh, (Liz Opened the Door)

The answer to Liz’s question (http://forceoferin.wordpress.com/2010/12/12/can-i-be-hostile-towards-a-pill/) is I won’t let him.

I really just don’t have a bucket list. I wish I had a few things on it. Bea and I could do it together. But I am so…fulfilled. There is little I would want to do that would not require more studying, more time (time with and without kids), more money.

Steve and I did make an agreement tonight. If a tumor were to return, we would go back to Venice, and perhaps drive the Italian Stelvio Pass. I think each of us would need our own car for that one. We would go as soon as I could drive. I want to drive. If I cannot drive, I would be a bit concerned I would throw up on Steve.

For some reason, I think Venice marks life changes in circumstance. 1997, I was there with Shan and Cindy just before I met Steve. 1999, I went with Steve and when he checked his mail the minute we were back, I found Steve’s admission to the Michigan MBA in the pile of held mail. In 2001, we returned for our honeymoon, the dollar was strong and the euro conversion was beginning. And 2005, we joined my sister and Steve’s parents for Colleen’s 40th (and the Steve’s parents’ 40th anniversary). On that trip, I could not always read Shan & Chris’s blog about Elyse, the baby with brain cancer. So I would call my mom at all hours, and she would read it to me. We returned home May 10th. May 14th , Elyse died. It seems Venice has buffered many major life changes. Good and bad.

(OK, in reminiscing with Steve, I realize it is Italy, not just Venice. After a wedding in London, we spent 3 glorious nights on the Amalfi Coast. I was pregnant with Paco).

Yesterday, I had a good visit with my new OB/GYN. She was calm. So to answer to Liz’s comment, I cannot let Steve pull his DNA out of his life. My new doctor understood this. I said, if I make it to 45, he could do it. But if, just “if”, I go sooner rather than later, I want him to be able to build a life. I do fantasize about him meeting someone close to my age, a bit younger. Someone the kids would like, and perhaps someone who wants more family. The doctor said, calmly, “that is a good approach”.

The hardest thing about making practical plans is that it can overwhelm people. People who say, “oh you will make it.” Make it to when? We can all go because of disease or accidents. Those of us who are used to loss are also used to finding the gains of life. Just because I make the occasional effort to plan ahead, does not mean that I am sure I will not make it to the five-year mark. The process of planning ahead is advantageous. It does not secure a date of death, but it takes away stress. It makes the road less bumpy for those who are left behind.  To me, the road of mortality is always there, for everyone. How I choose to map it is not negative, it is simply practical.

So right now, the only thing on my Bucket List is 1) Go to Venice again with Steve. Sigh. I’ll work on number 2.