I went out in the morning (I met with a Kaiser Social Worker, whom I like. She is practical and strong). Steve worked and juggled a Tommy screaming happily from the circuit exercise provided by cousin hand-me-down (thank you Alan and Lisa) and borrowed materials (thank you Amanda). When I got home, Lemon only slept for a short time. He is starving these days. He used to stop around 7 oz. He seems to take 9 to 11 oz at non-solid meals. So when he woke up, my power nap was ended. But this was the snuggly, giving a bottle in bed experience. (I miss nursing, but you can still snuggle):
Steve headed out to the Spine/Back Clinic at Kaiser and I actually had to be ready to collect Paco at school for the first time! Strange. A stay-at-home mom had only been to the classroom once. I had kind of avoided it, wanting to not draw attention that Paco does not like. Steve was able to make it, but just in case, I took Lemon for a walk around the neighborhood. I ended up at the back entrance at the same time as Steve, on the tag-a-long bike, on a conference call. Ah Davis.
Paco came out of his room, and was shocked and overjoyed. He said, “you’re both here?” Then he checked for his bike and introduced his little brother to his teacher.
Tommy slept part of the time in the stroller…then passed out cold while Steve took Paco to soccer practice.
The breakthrough with Paco was actually with my broken heart as well. It is easy to look at decisions and life with practicality. But that does not mean that the decisions do not do damage to one’s heart. The obvious decision is that we are done with future children. We were so lucky Tommy arrived before the tumor was discovered, and we are rich with love. My dream was always more (I mean, I am the third child, had to allow for me). I know the dream is now gone and I have to give it up in my heart. But I still get sad now and then. Minor compared to the big picture (cannot risk 12 plus months of no meds). I have burdened two particularly giving friends about it, friends that have had miscarriages and loss. They have lifted me up a great deal.
This morning, Paco and I were talking about what a great big brother he is. He said, “It makes me sad we won’t have any more babies. I like babies” I said, “me too, it was a tough choice. I had to choose to take the medicine to stop the tumor from coming back.” And he said, “because you cannot take it when you are pregnant, it would hurt the baby?” I said, “Yes, and I decided it was most important to take care of my 2 boys.” And then he agreed, kissed his brother’s head, and started to do karate-style kicks and yelled, “Fight the Tumor!”