A breakthrough…a real 40-minutes walk this morning, pushing Lemon in the stroller. (He has started to answer to Lemon, we should call him Tommy more often, but it is hard to alter at this point). Not my best photos, but still evidence. No photos of the wig yet. I have not actually worn it for more than a few minutes.
I remember when my dad died, almost 14 years ago, the show ER was on that night and a father died. Brandon, who had just had a good friend killed in a hold up months before, held me while I cried. Then when Shannon’s daughter Elyse died, I could not watch any drama with a child death, for a couple of years. I also cried while pregnant, but that is no surprise. Tonight, while watching Grey’s Anatomy’s season premiere, Steve said, “maybe we should just stop watching this.” To be clear, Izzie Stevens has melanoma that has metastasized to her brain. I have had a Grade 4 brain tumor, which will not go anywhere else, just in the brain. Not the same thing, for the record. I more resented Izzie’s clear skin (so she is not on Tarceva???) and all the scarves (too hot here for scarves). Still, I was crying, though that is not unique for me with any drama show. But tonight, as it got all…schmaltzy, Paco woke up. I had to turn it off as I heard him come down the hallway. He climbed up into the sofa and snuggled me. He usually prefers Steve. My pokey hair, before that, I was nursing Lemon, before that, I was pregnant and he could accidentally kick me. And as I held Paco, quietly crying, just explaining I had watched something sad. I kept kissing his forehead. He put up with me stroking his hair with envy. Then I carried this giant 5 year old back to bed.
5 years ago, I was at my grandmother’s 100th birthday party. A longtime friend of my dad’s, from when he was a child was there. Ginny (not cousin, to clarify) had always treated my grandmother with a lot of respect. At that party, she took the chubby, happy Paco (about 4 mos. at the time) and held him. She said to me (in her 60s, I think at the time,) “He is a gift.”
She said it firmly, as in “don’t complain.”
She is right.
It is so easy to get frustrated and I know there is a lifetime of fear and management of side effects ahead. Drs. appointments and scans and prescriptions and blood tests…but then we have two boys. I cannot even start on the 3rd gift, their dad, master of bike rodeo.
I know it could get worse from here. In 2 weeks, I am back on meds, likely puking due to the 2.5 X increase in temodar. In 3 weeks, I will have dry skin, and fake acne and be running to the bathroom. In 3 weeks, I still have these boys. Paco is determined to be Darth Vader for Halloween, and Lemon is a wet, drooly child who will not sleep with anything else going on (too social). They are full of love for each other.
They are gifts.